Olivia’s Truth

Well, today is day 26 of my current menstrual cycle and I am experiencing cramps and light pink/brown spotting. Now, at day 26, it seems far too early for my period to be here as I haven’t had a cycle that lasted less than 33 days for a very long time.

We haven’t tried very hard this month, which must seem strange considering the fact that I’ve felt so desperate to get pregnant. But we’ve been busy and my husband has had a stressful time at work, as well as being away overnight on business a few times. I suppose this month I just took a laidback approach to it and have almost just discounted it and let us off the hook. On Sunday however, I did wonder if I was ovulating (I won’t go into the details of why I thought this!!), so we thought we would try just in case.

If I was right about ovulating on Sunday, that would mean that I am roughly 5 or 6 days past ovulation which, if I have researched correctly, could possibly be the time that implantation takes place. I could be absolutely imagining the whole thing, or I could have it all wrong, but things certainly are different this month.

I don’t know if it’s related but last night I had the most awful stomach ache through the night, and I thought I was going to be sick. I’m not one to experience stomach upsets but maybe it was something I ate - I’m fine now though.

It’s funny that I was pretty much writing this month off, and now I’m getting noticable symptoms that make me get my hopes up! Well, at least I haven’t been obsessing over symtoms this time, so if it happens this month, it will really be amazing!

I haven’t posted in ages. Not long after my last post, my period arrived and I just didn’t want to think about things any more. I haven’t been obsessing with ‘possible symptoms’ but I suppose this month I had my hopes up. Today I got my period after only 38 days which is quite early for me, and there were absolutely none of my usual premenstrual signs which is almost unheard of (no sore boobs, no mood swings – really, really odd). I’m pretty upset and I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I know I can talk to my husband, and he is sad about it too, but he doesn’t quite feel the same gut wrenching disappointment that I feel.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I just don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t work so I don’t have work colleagues. I don’t have kids so I don’t fit in with other mums. It’s not that I really want to be sociable with people at the moment but I suppose I’ve always had the option. At the moment, I have nothing in common with anyone. No one seems to be able to relate to me. I suppose I fit in with other women who are trying to conceive but I haven’t enjoyed being part of forums because it’s hard to make friends with other women who are trying and then they become pregnant and I don’t. And there isn’t a lot you can talk about other than what symptoms you think you have, which gets a bit tiresome after a while when you realise your ‘symptoms’ weren’t pregnancy after all.

I’m starting to feel like I’m not part of ‘the club’. It’s that same feeling you get at school when you aren’t part of the popular group. It’s sort of like the separation between those who are virgins and those who aren’t; you can’t understand each other properly because you have a different experience of life now. I’m not a mum and I want to be one more than anything, and I feel like I’m failing at the only thing I’ve ever really wanted. It’s the saddest feeling I’ve ever felt. It’s like every month something is taken away from me and I feel empty. And I’m so scared that I’m never going to get pregnant.

Argh!!! This is torture! I feel exactly the way I felt last month; I’m pretty sure my period is on its way and I’m getting really annoyed that my cycles seem to be getting stupidly long. It’s hard enough to wait when I have a shorter cycle length, but cycles of over 40 days are so awful because I have to wait so much longer in between trying. It’s very frustrating. It feels a bit unfair that I have fewer cycles than someone who has a 28 day cycle!

And the fact that I’m so irregular?!?!?! That’s even more torturous because, not only do I have no friggin clue when I’m fertile, but I also get my hopes up when my period doesn’t come after 33 days, only to be disappointed when it eventually comes on day 46! I wish it would just come so I can at least be on my way to being fertile again!

As you can see, I’m staying so positive about the whole thing! I wish I was a man.

My normal cycles are 33-39 days. Once last year I had a 41 day cycle and then my freak 46 day cycle last month. Today is day 40! It’s hard not to get my hopes up but I am staying relatively calm, and keeping myself distracted. The thing is, I have all my usual premenstrual symptoms - nothing unusual - so that makes me believe that my period is on its way.

I’ve read that some women do experience their normal premenstrual symptoms, really feeling like their period is coming, but then discover that they’re pregnant. So not all hope is lost. I just sort of expect that when I’m pregnant, I’ll know. Last month I had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t pregnant. This month I don’t feel pregnant either but then I don’t know how it feels anyway!

If my period doesn’t come, I plan to take a test on Sunday or Monday. Fingers crossed!!!

The weirdest thing about trying to conceive, is that I have started to pay very close attention to every twinge, tingle, ache and pain in my body from around the time I think I’m ovulating. The first month we tried, we didn’t try very hard as it was a sort of last minute decision but just a few days after I thought I had ovulated, I was sure I was getting signs of pregnancy. I went on to forums, I looked up websites for confirmation, and I read books on pregnancy. I didn’t really ever read what I wanted to hear; I just wanted someone to tell me that I could be pregnant. But the signs were apparently more in timing with ovulation. I had just never noticed these strange symptoms before.

Before we started trying, I didn’t even relate my tender boobs to ovulation, I just thought it was a sign that my period was on its way. I didn’t really even know what ovulation was, and I certainly didn’t ever keep track of the lengths of my cycles. I knew they were irregular but that was about it. So far, I’ve figured out that my cycles can be as short as 33 days, and as long as 46 days! My last cycle was 46 days long but I think that was a freak occurrence, possibly due to ovulating late due to stress over Christmas and New Year. That also meant that we were having sex at the wrong time and we probably missed the real fertile dates!

So how is it possible that for the past 15 years, I have never noticed these strange ovulation symptoms? They are so noticeable! Huge big twinges in my pelvic area!! Aching that feels like bruising!! I’m so surprised that I’ve never noticed them before, and I’m wondering if it’s simply because I’ve not been looking for them, which I think is incredible if it’s true. Especially since I consider myself to be quite aware of pain and discomfort, and the general way my body feels.

So, I’ve pretty much learnt my lesson now. I’m noticing the symptoms this time round just because I seem to be tuned into them now, but I’m absolutely not going to convince myself that I’m pregnant this time!! It’s funny because the last few months I spent so long researching my symptoms and thinking about it all, but really - pregnant or not - research and worry won’t change anything! It’s hard, but this time I’m just going to have to wait and see.

This is the fourth cycle we have been trying to conceive. I know they say that it can take as long as six months to two years for a healthy couple to conceive, but I am feeling really down about it at the moment. My main problem is that my cycles are so irregular, I never know when I’m fertile.

Unlike last month, I’ve been fine this time around (until now anyway). I haven’t been on forums talking to others about it. I haven’t been concentrating on any possible ’signs’ of pregnancy. I haven’t been looking up pregnancy calendars to see how far on I might be. I haven’t tested early. Last month my cycle was crazily long and even my husband thought I might be pregnant. It’s the first time he’s actually really thought it could be possible, and he eagerly waited for the result with me only to feel that horrible disappointment of a negative.

I feel really sad that I’m going to be an older mum than I wanted to be. We started trying a couple of years later than I hoped, due to circumstances mostly out of our control - the time just wasn’t right until recently. I had just dreamed of being a really young mum. I’m still young but not as young as I’d hoped to be.

My mother has made comments to my sister about the whole thing. She doesn’t understand why I’ve been waiting - I’ve been saying for years that I want to have a baby. I haven’t told her we’re trying. She wouldn’t be very helpful. She’s always more of a hindrance when I tell her details of my life. I just know that she would have something negative to say about it all. She fell pregnant with me right away, in her early twenties. If I told her we’ve been trying for four months, she would come up with all these reasons why I’m not getting pregnant. She would probably blame my diet. She is obsessed with healthy eating. I eat healthily already, she just seems to imagine that I don’t.

Anyway, I’m thinking I have another two weeks before I know for sure whether I’m pregnant or not. This month, instead of only trying to have sex around my fertile time, we have pretty much been at it for the whole month, and boy is it getting tiring. It’s going to be extra devastating if it’s another negative this month.

There’s a lot I want to say out loud but I never have the guts to say it. There’s a lot I want to say to my mother but I can’t bear to see her cry. There’s a lot I want to moan about, and things I need to get off my chest. So I’ll say it all here on this blog and pray that it gives me some sense of release. Then maybe I can go on with everyday life like a normal person (if there is such a thing).